Love and marriage.

As of this past Monday, I have become theoretically engaged. No ring as of yet, but it has been designed and picked out by my lovely boyfriend/fiance and the date has been tenatively set for August 6th, 2011. I've already divulged the information to my mother who was extremely happy and glad the the both of us are takingit slow and not rushing into it all. Of course me, on the other hand, has been gleefully looking at wedding dresses and the such, but everything at this point is in the pre-pre-planning stages.

Surprisingly enough, it was Christian who started all the engagement/wedding talk on Monday which led us to the point where we are now. Apparently he's been chatting with people at work about the topic as well as with his dad, so it's a relief to me that he's been thinking about things for a while now.

So this topic begs the question - dare I invite Ross? I think this all might just push him past the breaking point and I am eagerly awaiting a front row seat to the meltdown.

I am Forrest Gump.

I realized today that while most of us have a 'fight or flight' mantra I seem to be instilled with just the latter. Not to say that I'm a wuss by any means, but it seems that I have found myself not wanting to put in the effort to admit my mistakes, whether it be in relationships or at work, and so I bail. I think that maybe it's the fact that I try to be absolutely perfect at whatever I do or whomever I'm with that the second I screw up my first thought is "RUN BITCH, RUUUUN". I haul ass out of the situation to avoid embarrassment or admit that I was wrong. I have quit jobs because I have either hated, fucked up and not cared enough to return, or fucked up and cared too much to return and face the wrath.

Part of me still feels slightly guiltly for not admitting to Ross what exactly happened when his back was turned and he was out of state, but I know that admitting it would open up a can of worms I don't think I'm quite ready to face. It bothers me that I had the ability to blatantly cheat on him in front of his friends and then turn around and lie to his face. I have always suspected that he was doing the same to me when he left Rhode Island, but that still doesn't really justify anything on my end. It also makes me slightly worried if cheating is engrained in me or if it happened out of convienence and neediness. I don't want it to happen in the future and out of fear, I've been secluding myself on purpose to avoid any sort of social interaction with someone who has a penis. And if anything, God forbid, would ever happen I have a distinct feeling that I would either hide it and let the guilt kill me or flee as soon as Christian had an inkling of anything. I hope that I'm just being overly neurotic and that I could be thrown into a room with guys fawning over me and I would appreciate the attention but refuse to take it any further.