I am not a feminist.

Is it wrong to want to be taken care of? I don't mean getting a free ride financially, but to want to have someone who will step up, take ownership, and be protective. Maybe it's how I was raised, maybe it's because I have a rather old-fashioned view, but it's what I want. And it's something I don't know that I'm getting.

He'll run out to get anything my heart desires, but seems to lack the gusto to movitivate himself (or myself) for the better. I realize responsible for my own motivation, however it's just easier to settle into a funk when you have someone beside who has already slipped into one. He'll help me out to the car if there's snow or ice and make sure I don't fall, but for some reason cannot call the cable company about a bill.

I watched my mother doing nearly everything around the house along with working her ass off for 8 hours a day, while my father would stroll in the front door only to plop himself on the couch. The motto my mother still uses today is "if I don't do it, it won't get done" and I find myself repeating that in my head often. I don't want to be where she is now - 34 years of marriage and she still does everything, while my father will make the occasional run to the supermarket on the weekends.

I don't want to end up resenting Christian like my mother does towards my father, but explaining and talking about it is difficult. The wrong words can start a fight or not make any impact at all. I cannot decide which outcome would be worse.

Love and marriage.

As of this past Monday, I have become theoretically engaged. No ring as of yet, but it has been designed and picked out by my lovely boyfriend/fiance and the date has been tenatively set for August 6th, 2011. I've already divulged the information to my mother who was extremely happy and glad the the both of us are takingit slow and not rushing into it all. Of course me, on the other hand, has been gleefully looking at wedding dresses and the such, but everything at this point is in the pre-pre-planning stages.

Surprisingly enough, it was Christian who started all the engagement/wedding talk on Monday which led us to the point where we are now. Apparently he's been chatting with people at work about the topic as well as with his dad, so it's a relief to me that he's been thinking about things for a while now.

So this topic begs the question - dare I invite Ross? I think this all might just push him past the breaking point and I am eagerly awaiting a front row seat to the meltdown.

I am Forrest Gump.

I realized today that while most of us have a 'fight or flight' mantra I seem to be instilled with just the latter. Not to say that I'm a wuss by any means, but it seems that I have found myself not wanting to put in the effort to admit my mistakes, whether it be in relationships or at work, and so I bail. I think that maybe it's the fact that I try to be absolutely perfect at whatever I do or whomever I'm with that the second I screw up my first thought is "RUN BITCH, RUUUUN". I haul ass out of the situation to avoid embarrassment or admit that I was wrong. I have quit jobs because I have either hated, fucked up and not cared enough to return, or fucked up and cared too much to return and face the wrath.

Part of me still feels slightly guiltly for not admitting to Ross what exactly happened when his back was turned and he was out of state, but I know that admitting it would open up a can of worms I don't think I'm quite ready to face. It bothers me that I had the ability to blatantly cheat on him in front of his friends and then turn around and lie to his face. I have always suspected that he was doing the same to me when he left Rhode Island, but that still doesn't really justify anything on my end. It also makes me slightly worried if cheating is engrained in me or if it happened out of convienence and neediness. I don't want it to happen in the future and out of fear, I've been secluding myself on purpose to avoid any sort of social interaction with someone who has a penis. And if anything, God forbid, would ever happen I have a distinct feeling that I would either hide it and let the guilt kill me or flee as soon as Christian had an inkling of anything. I hope that I'm just being overly neurotic and that I could be thrown into a room with guys fawning over me and I would appreciate the attention but refuse to take it any further.

Free pizza and big boobs.

So far I have been wrong about assuming that working front desk for a coporation would be hell. Not only do I find that I enjoy being here, but tonight alone as shown me that Friday nights are THE nights to work for the best perks and creepy, yet entertaining, phone calls.

First, a doe-eyed 20something delivery boy chatted with me for a few minutes before bringing the order to a guest and I considered it nothing but idle chit chat until he returned a short time later with a fresh large pizza for moi. He was flustered and blushing which made me laugh and make a mental note to wear a skirt and my form fitting blue shirt more often in hopes of getting some chicken kickers or cheesy breadsticks next time. Of course little does he know that as soon as I get home tonight my boyfriend will gleefully enjoy his flirtatious gesture.

And second, a phone call which I at first thought was simply a wheezy older gentleman turned into a breathy, creepy old man. He started off the conversation about how he does freelance photography and got my name and work number from someone I know (cue my immediate suspicion towards Travis who is probably none too happy that I want nothing to do with him) and then segwayed it into asking me about my height and if I considered modeling. I was giving him half-assed answers out of sheer boredom until he told me that he works for Hustler and inquired about my bra size. Avoiding the question and making sure he felt like the biggest douche bag possible, I went into brief, albiet guilt-ridden, story of my cancer legacy and hung up the phone.

Apparently I have commitment issues.

I'm sure Ashley has been cursing me for not updating this thing and while I wish I could say I've been too busy, unfortunately I have not. A few things have happened since I went AWOL - like how in September/October Christian and I are going to move to Myrtle Beach and that I am now a slave to the Man by selling out and working front desk for a well known corporation. The hours are garbage, the pay is shitty, but it's less than a 2 minute drive from my apartment so I'm not allowed to complain. Thank God those 45 minute commutes to work at the travel agency are over with. Plus, unlike the other place, now I actually get paid for my time here - AMAZING.

I realized the other day that I need to change a few things about myself which will make me a better person:
1. I need to be more affectionate. Christian has been practically throwing himself on top of me all the time and while at first I responded and thought it was cute, now I see it as annoying and I need to alter my thinking before I donkey punch him. I think that by me making the first move/advancement that not only will it lead to more sex, but will also keep him at bay from hurling himself at me as soon as I walk into a room.
2. I need to prioritize my friends so that I actually have a social life. Oh wait, I mean 'friend' because in actuality the only friend I have is Ashley. And to be honest, she's really all I need or want. She would be a perfect boyfriend if she had a penis. Anyways, things have gotten all jumbled up the past two weeks when she was supposed to come up and it was frustrating. Now on the other hand, there are a few people who have contacted me via text asking to hang out and I just have no motivation to even talk to them. These are people who I went to high school with and hung out with on and off for the last 5 years, but I have zero motivation whatsoever to even check if these people are still alive. Does that make me a terrible person? Even if it does I don't really give a shit, to be honest.

Other than those two improvements I am also going to attempt to work on my memoir, although I have a feeling I'll be saying that a lot in this blog. I can't tell whether it's a lack of motivation or a lack of inspiration. Whichever the case, I need to get moving on it because otherwise it's going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

We meet again.

Since somehow landing a boyfriend last year, I have since decided that my previous blog WTFHesMarried.blogspot.com, was no longer applicable. Especially since he's not married. Besides being involved with someone, things have changed dramatically from last year with me graduating, moving back to NH, and being sucked in to one shitty job to another. We've all heard it a thousand times, but the economy is rough and at one point I was stuck cleaning toilets. Fo' realz.

But now, on a sunny Sunday afternoon, I'm in my office of a travel agency I work for bored out of my skull. And it's days like this (and every single other day) that I wonder to myself, 'what in God's name am I doing?'. There are key parts of my life that I love and enjoy fully, but my passions, goals, aspirations, spontaneity, and interests are falling by the wayside and I can't figure out how it happened. With the help of this venting outlet and with my trusty sidekick Ashley, hopefully I can figure it all out before I turn 26.